work – Jujulemon

As I write this, I reflect on a weekend filled with family and events-celebrations and stress, laughter, great food, children running around, and schedules.

Since my girls have been born, I have an increasing awareness that I don’t quite connect with others the way I used to. This is not a bad thing, but it’s different, because I’ve transformed, and my family is growing. Sometimes, it feels sad, like something has been lost. Other times, it’s empowering because being a mother forces you to use your brain differently, like learning an instrument or speaking a different language. I see the world through changing lenses. There is the individual, the caregiver, the educator, and the partner. Mothers are now on my radar. I understand the way they drive, and why they sleep on the couch until you come home.

The thought is not original, but a good friend sent me an internet meme one day that put words to this idea that your energy attracts others with your energy. The meme read: “You’re vibe attracts your tribe.” I think of a tribe as individuals that share a common energy that usually drive them towards common goals. Many people who I consider part of my “tribe” are not mothers. They’re not even women. Conversely, there are many women and mothers that I don’t feel very connected to. These individuals have different priorities, and their lives have aligned differently to attain their goals, so our paths don’t cross much, either by chance or design. And that’s OK.

Being an adult means that there are choices. You are no longer confined to the small circles and limited perspectives that you once grew up with. Sometimes your vibe changes, or the tribe changes. Instead of forcing a connection, it can be a freeing moment to realize that there are others in the world with shared goals, that engage regularly in positive and encouraging dialogue, and that infuse their interactions with joy, enthusiasm, clarity, and support even when they’re just passing through.

This brings me to another favorite meme-ok, it’s actually a quote from Heraclitus.

He’s a good person to meme out with if you’re looking for quotes about change. I’ve realized that trying to recreate a golden moment in time is not only impossible, but a waste of the precious present. Even if you reconnect with the “tribe,” after a long time away, and you tinker with all of the variables to closely resemble that original experience, it will be different. Time is transformative. It may still be wonderful, but it will never be the same, and that can be exciting and memorable in its own way.

So now I segway to soaking up the good stuff. This will sound super dramatic and may even elicit an eye roll, but I live every day as if it were my last. Perhaps the thought of backpacking across Europe just popped into your head-something you’ve alway wanted to do. Or maybe you’re thinking of starting your own business as you reflect on a less than satisfying job you’ve plugged away at for years. For me, I think about the giant, whole body hugs I get from my girls. There is seriously nothing better. I have not lived my day to its fullest until I’ve thoroughly snuggled with my babies and kissed their cheeks, blown raspberries on bellies, and tickled baby feet. When I hear the tandem squeals of laughter, or get to sing to both of my girls sitting in my lap, I think to myself, I could die happy. And I mean that. I do wish I had traveled more before children, (who doesn’t?) and I would love to add some professional accomplishments to my bucket list, but really, those are all a far second to being present in the moment and really enjoying my children.

That’s all. Just good vibes, and grateful for another day. ❤

Little boxes in the sky to
Little boxes in the ground

Your hair left lifeless in the brush
Like a relic I would hold it up

Examine all these pieces of you
I never saw before

A few things. Reflecting this week on how lucky it is to have family still in my life, and nearby. The luck of being born into this time and place-to travel without greasing hands, or worry about clean health care facilities. To have quality food and water ready and available when needed. For health. For the joys of all the seasons, even the impassable conditions of winter. So much to be thankful for.

Life has felt a bit like Groundhog’s Day this past year. Days are very similar around here-babies nursing, diapers, electronic devices, organic baby food, family, music, ABCs, and books. The same routines happen everyday. It can be quite nice, actually. The only variables are the occasional visitor, sickness, death, or hubs needing to work later than usual. It’s winter, so my self-imposed seclusion is, in my mind, completely practical, but renders entire weeks uneventful. Of course Bill Murray and the movie Groundhog’s Day had me thinking about this today. In the movie, Murray experiences the five stages of grief as he is forced to relive each day in the sleepy town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance.

For me, there is a similar process that happens after having children and deciding to stay home, although I think the stages may happen in a different order, or sometimes simultaneously.

First, there was happiness, excitement, and love. There was some denial about being a parent. Am I really a parent? Am I even a grownup? There was anger-in the form of frustration as I learned how to do this new job. I was tired, sometimes delirious, and therefore, impatient. On a daily basis, there is bargaining with babies-trying to get them to stop crying, or eat a new food. There has been some depression about the loneliness of being the stay at home parent, and the uncertainty of the whole situation. My confidence, talents, and self-worth have been questioned.

This year has been my personal Groundhog’s Day. Those that know me, know that I am in love with my children. I’ve deliberately avoided visits, certain outings, and social invitations to tend to a list of needs and wants for my family. My choices have been aimed at the best health and interests of my children. This was exactly what I wanted, and I’ve cherished this time with my daughters. But, even getting what you want means making sacrifices. I guess I’ve mourned my social life a bit, and that sense of freedom of driving solo in the car to a friend’s house, or taking a shower at an unplanned time of day. I’ve missed the excitement of things out-of-the-ordinary, and surprises.

So I’m thinking, to liven things up around here, Bill Murray should visit me. Given Bill Murray’s kind, and spontaneous nature lately, I’m thinking this is not as crazy an idea as one might think. He’s been spotted at bachelor parties and engagement photo shoots, so why not add feeding some avocado to twins in high chairs to the list? It would certainly brighten my day. We don’t have to talk about anything special, we can just hang out. Just one thing though, Bill, (if you’re reading this,) I just ask that if you accept my invitation, please be in good health. I’m a bit of a germaphobe, and we just narrowly avoided the flu, so I can’t handle any sick visitors right now. Personally, it would make a great story to catch the flu from you, but I can’t take that chance with the babes. Friends of Bill, agents, colleagues-please pass this along. 🙂

Another thought about Groundhog’s Day the movie: Murray’s character gets to work this day out until he’s nearly perfected it. There is something so Zen about that. I’ve looked at my time home in a similar way. Every day I’m trying to master parenthood, but I’m also finding comfort in accepting the repetition. There has been beauty in the simplicity of our days, and real quality time spent with my girls. At first, the day was just a series of daily tasks played out while snuggling and carrying my toddlers. But now, I’m drawing again, and reading, and starting to see friends more often. Hopefully these positive karmic seeds will help to grow healthy, loved, creative, and balanced individuals, myself included.

So I’m adding another stage to my stay at home parenting. Something more than acceptance, between joy and appreciation, next to love. I don’t have a name for it yet. It will help me welcome these next few weeks of winter though, all snowed in with my girls. That’s where I’ll be tomorrow when my little alarm clocks start chirping to start the day. Happy Groundhog’s Day! And Happy Winter! Bill, we’ll be waiting for you. 🙂

Below are some photos I took while visiting the town of Punxsutawney, PA. It’s a beautiful, small town of Victorian homes and painted statues dedicated to the city’s most well-known icon-the weather predicting groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil. Hubs and I passed through on one of our road trips on the way back from Canada and Chicago.